1/11/11

A (Love) Letter from Andrea Erickson to Billy 1990

Billy...
Billy is the grandfather, the father, the friend.
I love him and want him to know that, feel that.
Does he know to what respect I love him,
how much I love him.
That I really truly deeply care abound/for him?
It's like we dance around talking and being together
and when I sit here and consciously think about my feelings
for him, I say to myself "why can't I ever just break through
the barrier that seems to be there?" & say "Hey I really love you,
I have huge love for you." & respect for you as a brilliant artist.
Yes it's actually and honestly brilliant.
I love your off beat/on beat way.
I love your words and your mind and your soul.
I love you being the grandfather.
Everything you do and are is totally great with me.
I accept all of you.
I love you unconditionally.
I love you.
You, Billy Little.
Maybe I don't say it because... well why?
I sit here and I ask myself why?
Fear of rejection?
No and I guess yes to that one, too.
I'm sick of feeling love for people and not letting them know.
Maybe I'd get a "So, you love me? So what?"
Or maybe I feel like you wouldn't believe that the love is exactly unconditional.
Well it is.
Whether I am believed or understood, I know my truth.
I sit here and analyze me and Billy.
Every time I've come here since I got myself together,
I've wanted to express my love, and every time I leave,
I feel like I didn't get it across.
It's always "see ya" and on the other side of the "see ya"
is the repression of the real feelings.
Then there is this self doubt.
What is the big deal that you love this guy?
Well, it is a "big deal" to me in a sense because
the feelings are good, and I feel good about them.
Here I am babbling and analyzing and most of all,
loving him.
I started out writing this to him, Billy, you, Billy and
I couldn't just straight write "Dear Billy, I love you",
I have to go on and on and justify and etc.
So I am giving you this whole thing, to let you know
that I don't just come here and "see ya".
I love you.
Matt and I talk about it and you and his love and my love for you.
Then when I see you I dance around about it.
I do have respect for you and your work.
You are so many "things" and I love them all.
I guess my biggest fear is that you wont believe me,
and that's "stupid".
Why fear the truth Andrea?
I have looked long at the truths and lies in my life.
I am in truth now (and still babbling towards an end).
So, I am letting go of all the "whatevers", and letting you know
that I deeply love you.
(I think I've said it all, in alot of ways, well that's the way love is,
it's repetitive)

Love All ways,

          Andrea